Chalkie Mittens is 80!

Our community will be coming together this week to celebrate the special birthday of one of our favourite sons.

Chalkie Mittens is 80 and it will be quite an occasion.

He is our local raconteur, bon viveur, entrepreneur and pot-man at the Bedknobs & Broomsticks public house.

Chalkie’s link to the pub goes back many years, 80 of them in fact and long before it became the Angela Lansbury-themed establishment we all know and loathe today.

He was found abandoned as a new-born baby on the doorstep of the Rose & Crown O’ Thorns – as it was known back in olden times – by Charles Worthless, the then inn-keeper.

Wrapped in just some chalk-encrusted white gloves, the baby boy was taken in by Mr Worthless and his family as one of their own and they named him Chalkie Mittens (Chalkie Gloves just sounded stupid).

Chalkie remained pot-boy at the pub after the entire Worthless family was jailed for tax evasion and the new owners changed the establishment’s name to the Lamb & Flan. He continued to live in the pub’s attic when it changed hands again and became known as the Prophet & Harlot and was retained as pot-man once more when it transformed into the Bedknobs & Broomsticks.

Those white, chalk-dusted gloves the baby was wrapped in were the only clue to Mr Mittens’ true identity and many still believe there is a link to snooker referees, but this has never been proved.

Indeed, as a surprise 80th birthday gift, myself and a few other villagists set about trying to trace Chalkie’s actual factual family and stuff.

Alas it proved quite time-consuming and exceedingly tedious, so we gave up after a few hours and bought him a novelty bow tie instead.

A grand party will take place this week and Chalkie plans to entertain us all once more with his ill-judged and illegal party trick involving a flaming torch, a bag full of ferrets and a pair of stilts.

Should be a night to recall in future times, that is for sure.