It appears to be getting very easy to offend the religious these days.
No matter what one does, some religious person somewhere will apparently take actual factual offence even if no slight was meant.
I tend not to be religious in any way, shape or form.
It has been known for me to operate on a spiritual level, but usually only when I’m putting up shelves and stuff that requires things to be straight.
So, you might well ask myself, why am I writing about such matters?
Go on then, ask me…
Well, I have returned this afternoon from a meeting with a new client to discuss a model-making commission for Derek Belm & Sons.
My meeting was with an amiable sort of chap, a retired chartered accountant off of Cheltenham way, and a small groupage of his acolytes. Here they were, gathering to meet myself in one of Cheltenham’s parks:
The commission is to create a scale model of the Norse gods, whom this groupage worship, gathered around the table of the great lord Odin his self.
I am no one to judge others’ belief systems and if this groupage, led by Denzil, want to worship the Norse gods then they are quite within their right to do so.
But they proved quite an overtly sensitive and prickly bunch, particularly Denzil their self-appointed leader:
When I suggested that the model could be of the Norse gods gathered at Odin’s house, sat around his dining table eating their tea, all hell and religious fury almost broke out in my face.
I was accused of taking the glorious names of the Norse deity in vain and Denzil himself actually factually threatened to disembody me with his big axe and stuff.
Sensing that I should adopt a more serious tone, I suggested an alternative setting of an olde worlde advertising agency where Odin is stood by a flip chart and the Norse gods are brainstorming a campaign to promote their beliefs.
This was slightly better received, although I still felt the response was lukewarm at best.
In the end, the groupage led by Denzil decided the model should consist of Odin leading a counsel of war and the Norse gods deciding to reign down a storm of fury and retribution on all those unbelievers in the world.
I still liked my ideas best of all, but Denzil is the client and paying good money so I agreed to their suggestion. Besides, with such evangelistically zealous types there is simply no changing their mind once they’ve made a decision.
Having felt I had won the disgruntled Norse worshippers around, I opened up my portfolio bag where I keep examples of the materials and toolage I use to impress people with and Christopher the cat popped out wearing his John Wayne outfit.
I had wondered why I had not seen Christopher at breakfast and this was the obvious explanation.
No harm done, or so I thought.
But, apparently, if there is one thing the Norse worshippers hate more than cats then it is John Wayne. Who knew?
So all my hard work in winning Denzil and his acolytes around was wasted as Christopher mosied around the gathering challenging the Norse worshippers to see who was quickest on the draw.
Needless to say, our meeting ended in uproar, threats of beheadings, axe-wielding and a fair few tears.
I shoved Christopher back into the bag, ran back to where Klippings had parked up the Maxi – luckily he has returned from gold prospecting in Lincolnshire empty-handed so I don’t have to find a new wheelman – and we hurtled off in the general direction of the M5 motorcarriageway.
I had decided to give Denzil and the Norse worshippers up as a bad job, when I got a call on my mobile telephonic device.
It was Denzil, confirming that he wished to proceed with the model of Odin et al on the strict understanding that Christopher the cat does not participate in the construction.
But Denzil warned if I break the sacred covenant I had agreed with them, the Norse worshippers will come after me and every member of my family that currently walks upon the planet.
That’s all I need. Like, no pressure or anything.
Having religious types baying for your actual factual blood is no fun and these Norse lot seem particularly spiteful. I could do without having them on my back to be honest, especially as I’ve only just been officially pardoned by those Lutherans.
These religious types are strange sometimes. So easily offended, yet they clearly know a master craftsman like myself when they see one.
I have agreed to construct the model for Denzil and his Norse hordes, but I might just rule out any future involvement with religious groupage.
Model-making and religion obviously does not mix.
Recent Comments