Sexy motoring comes to the village

I seem to have created an unexpected and unrequited stir with my choice of new car.

My esteemable driver, Klippings, first mentioned it after he had been actually factually driving around in the Austin Allegro for a few days.

I thought he was probably exaggeratising to begin with, but now I’ve had first-handled experience of this phenomenon. Suffices it to say I’m shocked, quite alarmed, a little confused, somewhat moist and very pleased with the impact my exotic, Continental-style Allegro Equipe is having on the villagists.

My wife (Mrs Belm) is less pleased. She believes the way my Allegro is attracting attention of the female kind is both unseemly and unbecoming of a happily married individual such as myself.

But it isn’t my fault or anything. The Allegro Equipe is an out-and-out babe magnet, whether I’m sat inside of it or not, as you can see from this shot (taken yesterday) of my curvaceous and enticing new car parked in the reception area of The Shouty Villager:

That’s Daphne Flucker, sister of the Rev Tim, who is visiting for a few days and was jogging through the village when she felt a compulsion to drape herself provocatively across the Allegro.

Bob Bastud, the newspaper’s photographer, was there for an hour taking shots of Daphne until her sister-in-law (Shouty Villager blogger and local pharmacist Oona Flucker) dragged her away under a blanket. Oona seemed immune to the Allegro’s charms, although she did fondle the wing mirrors in a way a vicar’s wife probably shouldn’t do.

So, should I keep the Allegro and risk further sexualised encounters?

Or, should I ditch it in favour of something less sexually alluring?

‘Tis a conundrum and no mistaking. Klippings is vehement in his assertions that I should keep the Allegro and you don’t want to upset one of the best wheelmen in the business.

But then Mrs Belm (my wife) has threatened all sorts of retribution – both in her role as my wife (Mrs Belm) and as a magistrate – if I don’t sell the Allegro and replace it with something more boring.

Plus, as she pointed out, Christopher the cat hates the colour silver on cars and much prefers more muted tones.

I had planned some actual factual model-making today.

But it seems my day will be dominated by cars and scantily clad ladies instead.