Shortlists and longshots

I’m all a dither and stuff.

I have five high quality candidates to become my new Chief Model-Maker following Jonty’s decision to set up an exotic pet shop on the Isle of Mull with his partner Judas.

Two internal candidates have thrown their hat into the ring – not in actual factual way, mind you.

Maurice, my most experienced model-maker but the ugliest man this side of Ulan Bator, is a front-runner in spite of his facially challenged state of being.

Surprisingly, the other internal candidate is not my apprentice (Sammy-Lou Westwinds). Instead it is Old Stumpy Muldoon, the octogenarian sweeper-upperer who used to make models until his eyesight left him – I’ve told Old Stumpy he’s my wild card and he was thrilled to have made the shortlist.

There are also three external candidates of whom I know nothing whatsoever if anything about at all, other than their names, qualifications, abilities, career and personality traits.

They are: Wilbur McIver, 38, off of Scotland and a former apprentice of Sidebottom (senior); Marcus Keithley-Singer, 55, out of the Cotswolds, who ran his own firm until he couldn’t be arsed any longer; and Andre “Snake Hips” Smedley, 42, born out of wedlock, who wishes to juggle model-making duties with the salsa and line dancing lessons he runs for members of his extended family and anyone else who knows him.

Quite an impressive line-up, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Interviews take place when I decide and not a moment sooner or later.

Updates if you’re good and well-behaved.

A decision will be prompt, knee-jerk and announced with a fanfare of mini trumpets in due course.