Spies, models and personal hygiene

I recently reappeared after several weeks of nothingness.

‘Tis good to be home amongst the ample bosom of my wife (Mrs Belm) and the comfort of her rampant and voluptuous cooking.

I am not too proud to admit I have missed her curvaciousness, both in the kitchen and elsewhere.

It can now be revealed whereabouts I have been lurking.

I received a secret commission to construct a model of the main listening roomage at GCHQ-upon-Severn – spying central and home to the Great British spooks and shady fellows who keep us all sleeping safely in our beds by stopping beastliness and terrierism from over-running our wonderous society.

For obvious reasons of nationalised security and scrutiny I had to keep quiet about my whereabouts in Gloucestershire and the fact that the head honcho himself – James T Bond – was the man I was constructising the model for so he could place it in his bachelorpad apartment to impress the ladies and stuff.

I found Jimmy Boy, as he insisted on being called, to be quite insufferably smug and somewhat lapse in the personal hygiene region.

Quite how he can lay claim to so many conquests of the female persuasion – it currently stands at 007, according to the wallchart he showed myself – is beyond guesswork as his body odour problems are only matched by his halitosis.

But he is good at his job as Chief Spy and he paid handsomely for the model – enough for me to whisk Mrs Belm (my wife) away for a romantic holiday to somewhere or other if I so choose – so I kept my complainage to the minimum standard required.

The model is now complete and making womenfolk swoon – I suspect Jimmy Boy will mark himself up to 008 by Easter at the very least.

I am home and availed of the fragrant Mrs Belm (my wife).

So life has returned to an evenness that is quite satisfactory.

I trust I have not missed too much in my absent-minded departedness and will need to get “up” to “speed” (as the youngest folk say) on goings-on at Derek Belm & Sons as soon as Monday comes around.

In the meantime, ’tis good to be back and even betterer to be back here.